do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
