I wish my penis had an off switch
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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