Cold hands, warm shart.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Randomize
