How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
