i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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