I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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