She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
