I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
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