I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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