You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
