All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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