Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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