I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
it's like heaven, but drunker
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
