yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
