new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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