just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
