The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
