Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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