would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
