I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You dont lie about slip and slides
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
