I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
