my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
