You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
