one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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