I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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