I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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