Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
