Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
