somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
