now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
