Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
