the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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