As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
