She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
