Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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