Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My life is pants optional.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
