Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He told me they were just razor bumps!
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
there is glitter all over my balls
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