I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
