shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
we're so committed to being not committed
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
