You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
