Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
