so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
