god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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