Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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