im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Randomize
