there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
