you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
