My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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