When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
