Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
